chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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