I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
