Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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