My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
