Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Maybe he injected his testicle?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
