Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
