when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
