my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize