I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
