Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
