Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
