how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
