She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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