You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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