Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
