two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Randomize