So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
