does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm just crazy horny about you
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
