Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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