Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
please come you make the beer taste better
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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