i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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