Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
