my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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