i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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