this beer tastes like vomit already
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
she peed on how many people?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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