I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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