What a fucking waste of an outfit
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
