So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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