you traded sex for a burrito?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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