I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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