i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
