Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
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