i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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