Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
