I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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