i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
