I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
