is your mom at the bar?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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