when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
