I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I have demons in me.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
