She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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