so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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