why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
