At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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