your parents love me but you hate me
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
