My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize