are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
