My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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