Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
