So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
