T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I am midnight drunk by noon
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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