The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
