Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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