Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
