Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
