Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize