i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
