i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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