phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
