Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We have started to decorate penises.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
