ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
