Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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