Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
