I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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