I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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