Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
ttyl tear gas
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize