Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
